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Yesterday's News:'03 bombed by Al Q'aida-linked 2004 2k3 Bug Fears Panic InvestorsSmall Investors Buy Homes, Gold and Platinum in Fear of Depression Once again proving he is like a wonderful love-child of Herbert Hoover and a second term Ronald Reagan, President Bush has continued to bravely ignore the threats of a total erosion of the lower and middle classes' economic stability and an impending credit derivatives crisis of vast proportions likely to be paid off by taxpayers (more money!) with few punished. He's acheived all this while steadfastly defending the upperclass's right to bilk millions out of publicly traded companies' shareholders and pensioners. Americans saved nothing during the Clinton Boom and have little or no faith in their earnings future while they also carry some of the largest person debt burdens since the Depression. Oh, and they are going to change the laws to make it harder to declare bankruptcy...  Scary stuff for the serf class, and that's just how we at AOE like it! All this great fear to capitalize upon! As if all this weren't effectively scaring the begeezes out of the little guy, here comes Bush's latest brilliance: CRAWFORD, TEXAS - The 2K4 Bug threat was revealed to a shocked American public today at the Greenwood Elementary School here in Crawford, where Bush was just finished taking a nap after having recess with his 'New Best Friends' Mikey and Timmy. His announcement went something like this:
- "Terrorists linked with Al Qaeda working through a sleeper cell in Banglore have created a new computer super-terror-virus that will attack the American patriot where it hurts: their bank account. This evil code will effectively open up potentially millions of American's bank accounts and dump their contents into my financial, defense, corporate and military backers' laundry rooms this New Years' Eve. They seek to divide us by making things seem as they are not. My posse are not in this to steal you personal wealth, my fellow American patriots, this is a dastardly varment's attempt to frame the AOE for this dastardly misdeed. These are Evil Lies of the most ludicris nature that only an unpatriotic moron could believe. I have personally secured the word of all those who will receive funds that they will return them in full or in part when they are done with it."
- This horrible attack on the financial lives of all Americans may well cost most patriots their remaining savings, and perhaps once again the American Giant may be humbled. But I promise you this he will rise again (tremendous applause from crowd of 8 year olds, some fears of attack by Giants). This administration has a plan. We are going to have the CIA secretly steal all the Gold from Fort Knox and give it to those who receive 2K4 Bug moneys, so that can use that instead and will hopefully be done with the American patriot's money faster that way. The best part is, that we'll just have the American taxpayer insure the Gold so no one loses anything once that gets paid off! God bless you and God bless America (applause, shorts wetting).
These Terrorists are so smart, they are trying to turn us against ourselves. We can't let them win, so a certain amount of malfeasence by those in power is a fair trade anyhow to avoid political instability. Obviously a change of regime here would be the worst thing that could possibly ever happen. Ever.
The People Have Spoken: REMATCH!!
Congratulations AMERICA! By not voting or actually voting FOR US, you blew your best chance in years at preserving individual freedom and prosperity by handing over your Future and your children's Future to those who's only interest is looting it and poking the corpse. We tell you that we're the fiscally responsible ones, but that's never been true. Historically, all modern Republican administrations have resulted in massive national debt, deficit spending and a massive widening of the old rich-poor gap (like anyone gives a fuck about the poor these days). Not to mention that we always crush the financial markets (check it out!). It's like fun for us. HOORAY, ALLIES OF EVIL!! HOORAY, AMERICA!! Mandate for Fascism, anyone? Post-Election: Old enemies and new present fit challenge for newly endowed Mega-Prez!We can no longer depend on our usual allies in this war, since they have half a brain and aren't buying in at all. Where are the Superfly Snookas and Junkyard Dogs of the World? We need to forge new alliances and even new enemies to keep this "W" standing for Wartime. So what if it makes little or no sense except from the perspective of an End Times-fearing worldwide resource grab! "We're calling in the Sheik" says Press Secret-ary Fleischer. Now! In Distract-a-rama! It's Gulf War II!Who cares who we are fighting? Who cares who dies? Not you because you probably didn't vote, or have your noggin up yer bum! Well, CORPORATISM NOW RULES OFFICIALLY UNOPPOSED - GIVEN MANDATE BY A NEW, BETTER, ELECTION. If only Americans were always in fear, constantly reminded of their dependence on tough (read:EVIL) guys to protect them, then we'd rule forever! Oh wait, that's the plan and the new status quo.
Lemmings Up! Eagles Down!Join the Latest Groovy Club! Dub and Dick's Lemming Brigade| Sadly, 'Operation: TIPS' got shut down. You know, our recent initiative to get your bus driver, letter carrier and energy company field rep spying on you. I know, it sucks not to have that neighbor-at-every-windowsill sense of safety. Like always, We say 'So What?! We'll make an even better club to join!" As a junior or senior officer of the Lemming Brigade you will help herd the other lemmings to our ultimate goal: The End of The World! Yippee! The Rapture cometh!* Going Along to Get Along has never been so much fun! For a moment, let's pretend it is the distant future. A tougher, more rugged time. A time when drinkable water and electricity are scarce and corporate controlled. People and nations are crawling all over eachother in an over-crowded, resource depleted morass. A world where a small, incredibly wealthy Anglo-American elite controls the rest of the world and puts them to labor with a carrot and a nuke motivational approach in an ever degrading environment. Holed up on a Chilean mountaintop or in some underground bunker, we'll gleefully await Armageddon and our crack at BLOODY GENOCIDAL WARFARE IN THE NAME OF GOD! In short, Our dreams and prophecies have all come true! Fire or ice, it's 'World Over', baby. and WE WIN! Come 'Celebrate Our Dream-Future' with Dub and Dick! How? Join and help work to hasten the New Corporatism in your town, today! Or you can just shut up and be good. |   | Every Coastline!
Every Clifftop! |
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*It's in Revelations, People!
And Now a Word from Our $pon$or... So, I Bought My Flag, Now What? Everyone knows we have the best flag ever in the
world. And you want to show those pretender flag-
havers just what your seven inch thirteen-striper
has under the stars.
But then it happens. It just
doesn't wave the way you want it to. Sometimes
not at all...
Your patriotism doesn't have to suffer due to
shame for your leaders' moral bankruptcy any more.
AGGREFLAG soothes you towards relief through
pleasantly distracting abject fear. Brought to you by the good people of the US Government, spawned and sponsored by our hero Corporacrats.
Available NOW from
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TO OPEN STORE: |  Join the new Americans!! T-shirts, stickers and more coming soon at the AOE company store.
Get ready to participate in the rebuilding of America's economy through merchandising... |
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-HK
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